Like a lot of teenagers, naivety was what I could vouch as one of my better known virtues. In other words I thought a lot about myself, felt I was smart , that I had an intelligent and smart way of handling any questions that sprang in front of me etc.
I remember when I was graduating, the farewell party had several rounds of intellectually challenging and socially stimulating tasks to choose the most popular students of the year. As far as I was concerned we all knew more or less who would get the crown but the juniors who organized the event gave us one other chance to prove that we were not anywhere in the run. So, for the final round question was "How do u define Women's lib or freedom for women " something with that tone. My answer for which I kick myself even today - I am a model of a free woman or an embarrassing equivalent. And then I spent the rest of my life figuring out that I was not as free as I had thought myself to be.
People around me have managed to convince me that they care for me so much that they would hate to see me in trouble and so have decided to make me answerable for everything I do lest I do it wrong. It has comfortably grown into my psyche that I make mistakes and these people can watch out for me and see that I don't. And to do justice to them I have had my share of proofs by belonging to the minority of the humans race who does not get a four wheeler drivers license on the first test, loosing my purse full of important documents, smashing the rear end of the car inside the garage and the list can go on. And as more and more people hinted me that I was not as good as I thought I was and that they had to be around to help me handle everything, it was easy to convince myself too.
One fine day my husband bought a bicycle which he decided was for me. My fear started the moment he said I was to try it while he was at office. My dilemma was whether it was better that I try it while he was there and prove it to him yet again that I cant remember an exercise which has been scientifically proven that humans once learned, cannot forget? or fall in front of strangers and embarrass myself? For a while I tried near the door, holding the wall and was not sure I could balance myself....
No marks for guessing it right. Yes...!! I took the latter option. Got up from the couch, got dressed with a sense of purpose, walked the bicycle to the car park, waited for a handy man to get into his car, while posing as though I was checking the air in the tires. Then took a deep breath and off I went, I wobbled , made three false starts and then I was go....go...gone...Took a round inside the block...Then my old fear came back and I thought may be I cant do it another time, got off the bicycle and started again....and I was so comfortable and felt so free...the feeling of being able to do anything, go anywhere. It was awesome...
The thought that crossed my mind was if someone asked me what was freedom then, I was sure I could answer it better this time around!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
To do or not to do
I have been accused of many things by friends and foes alike, but thinking is not one of them. The problem has been on the other side.....too much thinking.....
I have been told not to think too much....which I reason to myself saying as not possible.... The result - quite easy to analyse - due to the extreme confidence in the absolutely normal and otherwise common intellect , I land up creating situations that seemed to have had the perfect ability to solve by themselves, if it wasn't for my timely and absolutely unwarranted involvement!!!
My friends are probably telling me their issues for lack of a better listener and do not wish for my involvement as a part of their solutions. I must assure that it is not due to the lack of understanding or will power that I decide to react to what ever I hear , but a sincere hope and belief that I may be able to say or do something to help.
I have always believed that when we want something and want it for real, as though our life depended on it, everything around us conspires to get that done. And I must say I humbly consider myself as that catalyst that needs to trigger these pieces of puzzle to fall in place.
But I seem to stand on a crossroad of sorts whenever such a situation comes up in front, which I might add is quite often. I always have to stand and think if my friends and family for whom I am attempting to do this are going to like it or not. Will they understand my intentions??? My answer to myself is - Yes they will but they still would not appreciate my "Interference".. However the fact remains that this fear has its limits set at the failure of the whole exercise...Thats when there is a big chance of loosing these beloved people.
If your luck favors and you can manage the situation to the benefit of the aggrieved then, you become a hero, a life savior, a lucky charm, fairy god mother and all other synonyms that suit a successful profile.
Every time I get myself in the middle of such a predicament , my prayers are honestly for myself so that I can save my back side and my friendships and when God decides to help me, he usually is solving the issues in totality. I cant say I am not glad at that point, but the fear of failures scares me lot more because the loss will be greater in terms of loosing trusted people.
But nevertheless, though hard as I have tried, I cant seem to be learning from all the tension or failure that I experience every time and keep returning to the cross roads thinking - TO DO or NOT TO DO!!!!
I have been told not to think too much....which I reason to myself saying as not possible.... The result - quite easy to analyse - due to the extreme confidence in the absolutely normal and otherwise common intellect , I land up creating situations that seemed to have had the perfect ability to solve by themselves, if it wasn't for my timely and absolutely unwarranted involvement!!!
My friends are probably telling me their issues for lack of a better listener and do not wish for my involvement as a part of their solutions. I must assure that it is not due to the lack of understanding or will power that I decide to react to what ever I hear , but a sincere hope and belief that I may be able to say or do something to help.
I have always believed that when we want something and want it for real, as though our life depended on it, everything around us conspires to get that done. And I must say I humbly consider myself as that catalyst that needs to trigger these pieces of puzzle to fall in place.
But I seem to stand on a crossroad of sorts whenever such a situation comes up in front, which I might add is quite often. I always have to stand and think if my friends and family for whom I am attempting to do this are going to like it or not. Will they understand my intentions??? My answer to myself is - Yes they will but they still would not appreciate my "Interference".. However the fact remains that this fear has its limits set at the failure of the whole exercise...Thats when there is a big chance of loosing these beloved people.
If your luck favors and you can manage the situation to the benefit of the aggrieved then, you become a hero, a life savior, a lucky charm, fairy god mother and all other synonyms that suit a successful profile.
Every time I get myself in the middle of such a predicament , my prayers are honestly for myself so that I can save my back side and my friendships and when God decides to help me, he usually is solving the issues in totality. I cant say I am not glad at that point, but the fear of failures scares me lot more because the loss will be greater in terms of loosing trusted people.
But nevertheless, though hard as I have tried, I cant seem to be learning from all the tension or failure that I experience every time and keep returning to the cross roads thinking - TO DO or NOT TO DO!!!!
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